My Struggle

It’s a fine line to walk, God. It looks the same on the outside, but it is where the focus of the mind and soul is at. That’s why we can’t judge others.

I am pretty sure I am making a mountain out of a mole hill, but my fears are being played on. What if the uniform isn’t worn? In the Baptist upbringing, the guys parted their hair, wore polo shirts and khakis. J always had his goatee, earrings, tattoo and jeans that were worn well below his non-existent butt.

Now I feel maybe he will be scrutinized on the basis of if he is “touchy feely” or not. He’s not a hugger. He doesn’t get real excited about much of anything. (I would love to see the Cubs win a World Series before either of us die, because I am pretty sure that will be the height of excitement and I’m not sure what that looks like for him.) When we were dating in that “bliss” period, he still wasn’t much of a cuddler. By not much of a cuddler, I mean not at all. His love is expressed through faithfulness. His love is expressed through honesty. His love is expressed by his interest in things he has no interest in except vicariously though me.

And will people miss the solid love because it’s not a gushy love? Will they miss the steadfastness and deem him not good enough again because he doesn’t meet their expectations? I worry. I don’t want to have to ever prove myself to someone again. I don’t want to have to defend J or point out the things that really matter because they are too blind to see them.

Not that this is happening. I just see signposts that might lead that direction if we stay on this course and follow the thought through to its extreme. I don’t want to leave again. I thought we were safe. When you are around, we are. Watch this and keep it close.

Lion of Judah

The Apostles knew the Lion of Judah. We Gentiles relate mostly to the Lamb of God.

The Apostles knew the Lion of Judah- The Judge, The Holy One. The God who took out a giant, shut the mouths of lions, parted seas, destroyed Pharoahs, brought judgement on a whole nation, resuced teens from a blazing fire, whisked people to heaven, took down and set up kings, controlled the clouds, rain, oceans, sun, rivers, moons, stars, wildlife and plantlife.

So when Jesus came, they weren't really expecting such a humble wrapping but when he was raised from the dead- that was the biggest feat of all!! Now this God who stood up to bullies, knocked down the proud, destroyed armies, defeated nations- that power was given to the disciples and apostles and they knew the power behind them- the power at work in them- the power at work through them.

"Pick up your mat and walk."

The Lion of Judah.

One of "Those" Days

Maybe you have been there?

Last night before I went to bed, I sent a confidential E-mail to a distribution list instead of the individual it was intended for. Talk about egg on my face. I started getting that gnawing sensation in the pit of my stomach. The E-mail was private about a circumstance that has been going on that was supposed to be sent to the youth pastor. I think next time I will just print those out and hand them to him physically.

So, I wake up this morning ready to go. Last week I blew off work. I didn't get anything done and I didn't feel good about it. So I got up, started working, picked up the phone to make my first call and I knocked my glass of water so it landed perfectly all over the laptop. It was mostly full.

I dried the computer and to my relief- it comes on. However, the keyboard and mouse do not work now. So I suppose I will have to call and see if my super duper warranty covers water damage.

Well, that's not all. I want to cry, which isn't a good state of mind to be making calls in because the first person who is not receptive to what I have to say will probably get a sobbing woman on the other end. So my plans for the morning are fading quickly.

Then I decide I should call my client to set up a meeting because I found out on Saturday that she is unhappy with me. The conversation went something like this, "Oh. Hi, Amber. I was just sending you an E-mail to tell you I called your office and left a message with your broker to see if we could all sit down and talk like adults."

The thing is, she never gave me warning that she was upset. I have done three times the normal amount work on her case because she is high maintenance and my goal is to truly make my people satisfied. Apparently I am failing dismally.

So today isn't the best day ever. In fact, since late Friday I have had one thing after another happen.

Yet I know what to do. I went and prayed. I said, "God, you are not wrong. I will not turn my back, question you or camp out in this emotion. I am having a hard time and I am wondering what I did wrong. Yet, I cling to you for safety. You are my King. You are worthy of my worship and adoration." (Understand, I don't believe that God is punishing me for something. I think this is just life. I believe that God is the same and views us the same regardless of how we treat him. Yet, my first reaction is "What did I do wrong?".)

Nothing has changed. My circumstances are the same. I still sent that E-mail to 10 people who should not read it instead of the one who should. I still have a client who is upset with me. I still have a laptop that I depend on for my business to function that has shorted out. I still have to make these calls.

Yet I am calm. I am at peace. I am sure God sent someone to pray for me, too. I fel released, calm and happy. I am satisfied in Christ.

My Favorite Posts

I have been writing here since the beginning of the year, and I have had a lot to say. I wanted to highlight my favorite posts- the ones that really ring true to me still. Therefore, to the right of your screen you will notice the heading, "Best Articles". Listed are my votes for the best articles. If you want to save some time and get the meat of what's here, that's probably a good place to start. If you come here and never want to come back, please drive through. :)

I've Been Thinking....

I suppose if I updated this blog more regularly, I might have a more regular readership. :)

I digress because that isn't even close to the point of this blog. I am not here to write to or about others. I am here to write about what God is doing in my life and the truths He reveals as my relationship with Him grows.

Lately I find it hard to get all the excitement and promises across to the new teens that are just starting to gain understanding about Christ. I have so much that I want to show them because it is all exciting and all important. They need to know what power they have to fight temptation, rebellion and the devil. They need to know the exciting plans God has laid out for them. They need their vision to be expanded beyond what they see as a dead end life.

I am starting to see cracks of light radiating through some of the dark shells they live under. I see them struggling to grasp a God that loves them more than their abusive parents and friends love them. I want so badly for them to get what is happening! They are a chosen generation. It is for this time that they were born. There is no reason to be meek, shy, embarassed or to do things half tilt. It is time to be bold, be strong, be courageous, be ready to stare the giants in the face and take them on. (I think I am going to talk about dealing with giants in the land next.)

It is time that I being to really teach out of the outpouring of my Spirit and not what my head tells me they need to hear. The way the Spirit works is so amazing. I know without seeing a teen that they need prayer, they need help. I know when they are drowing in their own sin and need a lifeline thrown to them. I am a prayer warrior (although a very small one) and I don't have to read or hear a prayer request to know that one exists.

Anyway- if you are reading this and are a believer- pray for the teens in Cottonwood, Arizona. This town is drug infested (meth). Teen pregnancies and drop out rates are very high. Twelve year old girls and boys are heavy into homosexuality. I choose not to turn my back and ignore it or keep travelling until I find a cleaner town. I stay here, I see the hurting faces, the dying souls and I hurt. I want to see success. I want to see God break through and change this town through his instruments- his church and his vessels.

Some great worship music I just found: http://www.planetshakersusa.com/

There are MP3s you can listen to there.