Are You Desperate to See?

Jesus didn't die so we could have a religion.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Pride Parade- Which Float Will Win?

I didn't realize I could ramble so much if given the opportunity. I feel bad for anyone trying to keep up with all of this writing. I suppose if you are a glutton for punishment or your children were behaving badly, this could come in handy.

I feel almost guilty about what I am going to write. It is about my issue with having a big head. Sometimes I have to turn sideways to get through the door. (As my head is oval shaped and not round.) The guilt comes in because I almost feel like I am boasting about my pride. So weird.

So my problem with pride is I commend myself when God blesses me. When God gives me the grace to change my character to the point that people notice that there is something different about me, I might as well say, "God, thank you for blessing me because I did something so great." God knows my biggest weakness is that I like to feel good about myself. He keeps me on a short leash. My initial reaction to compliments is to get big-headed and feel like I really have done something spectacular. Disclaimer: I am not saying God likes me to have self-loathing. He likes my joy and my confidence to come from Him.

And I had just been praying about this. In order to really let God do something through me I had better quit being so impressed with my abilities. I know this. God knows this. You probably even know this.

And today. Oh, today! Someone called into the office I work at. They needed information. I had never talked to this person before. So I chatted with him, gave him the info he wanted and started asking some preliminary questions. I used the word "behoove". Apparently that is just a cool word and so this guy just started going off on how he liked to talk to me, he liked the way I handled stuff. I didn't get business. It was one of those, "I'll call back if I decide that's the house I want." (I work in real estate.) But how often do strangers just stop to comment on liking your vocabulary and personality?

And then later today! Later today! My co-worker asked how I was doing. I said something silly like "Fantabulous." (A mix of Fantastic and Fabulous.) He just started going off on how he loved my attitude all the time and he just thought I was great and (embarrassingly enough) that 90% of women could learn some great things from me. This man is very happily married and knows that I am VERY happily married. He was just complementing me. I said, "Thanks."

I can go days, weeks and months without getting a compliment from anyone but my sister or husband. I am glad I have those two to keep me afloat. But to have two such flattering compliments in one morning for no reason other than the people wanted to compliment me. (I almost asked my co-worker what he wanted but thought better of it.)

Then after that! After that! The youth pastor calls me and tells me he read the blog I sent him here to read along with part of another one. He told me it really encouraged him and he read it to the head pastor and he was going to share some of it in church on Sunday.

You have got to be kidding me!! All these things made me feel extraordinarily good. Then I started to think, "Well, you are good. It's all you." Me. Me. Me. Me. Me.


I was driving back from Sedona and as wonderful as I am, I realized that maybe, just maybe the pride I was praying against was trying to take control again. So I began to pray. It is no wonder Paul said to keep your eyes FIXED on Christ. Glancing up every minute isn't even enough. My eyes are constantly being pulled by natural gravity back to myself. How easy is it to lose our focus? What if all the previous posts of revelation, promises, fasting and praying were forgotten in five minutes of flattery never to be returned to again because I was feeling self-sufficient?

I may look ugly when I remove my pride and look at myself honestly, but I look uglier when I am wearing the pride.


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