Are You Desperate to See?

Jesus didn't die so we could have a religion.

Friday, February 18, 2005


Since my main objective here is to have an arena to expound my spiritual thoughts so I don't drive everyone I know crazy by talking incessantly and so I can go to sleep when I go to bed.........

It's time to fess up. Life is feeling kinda heavy right now. I feel guilty even mentioning it. I feel (and yes, I know this isn't true) like if I am a good Christian, that I will always feel like dancing in tulips.

Actually, that doesn't sound like a bad idea.

But you get the drift. So I am going to spill it here, not for sympathy votes, but because this is my mind's space to say what it needs to say so I don't have to dwell on it forever.

I have been sick a lot this winter with various head colds that have bogged me down and sapped my energy. It seems to take twice as much effort to get half as much accomplished. It has been like that since Thanksgiving.

So, my work has suffered. In an effort to get sleep to help me get over this hump, I have been sleeping in a few hours in the morning. And all my work calls seem to come while I am in bed. Once I wake up and return them, no one really calls for the rest of the day. But sometimes calls come in and I am sitting next to my cell phone and lo and behold, I have a message from a caller that never rang through. That is frustrating... But back to the real problem. In the morning, people get frustrated trying to call me. I should wake up but it is so hard when I am sick.

My house gets cleaned but isn't clean all at once. Pieces are clean. The kitchen is clean and the bathroom is a mess. Or the bathroom is clean and the house is dusty. Nothing gets done.

I read my Bible everyday. That requires a lot of effort in self-discipline right now when usually it is just a joy. My five minutes, three times a day prayer plan has boiled down to one time a day for five minutes and a few ancillary 10 second prayers because I forget in the midst of trying to juggle all these balls. (I know, the exact wrong time to forget, don't remind me.)

I have not exercised for almost two weeks. That is another commitment I made to God because my body is a gift from him and I need to honor it. That's not happening.

My Old Boss Man is really, very literally, losing his marbles so I have to change brokerages and I have to tell him on Monday and I am not looking forward to that. I really like him. He has been nice to me and taken care of me. I am going to hurt his feelings by leaving, but I have to do it. (Actually, the change in firms might give me a little kick in the pants.) I am in debt for my business that if I take into consideration profit and loss and the return on the way, it might not look like such a big number, but it is crushing to me. It has made me aware that I need to be much more responsible in my business expenses, but I still have to deal with it.

These are all the things I am experiencing right now and I know I want to be with God in everything. I feel as if everything is falling down the hillside and I am trying to run after it to get in front of it to stop it from crashing at the bottom. It has momentum. I do not. I am sick and I am tired and I just wish I could focus on one thing in life to do period and not have all these things to take care of.

So my dad would tell me to quit crying or he'd give me something to cry about (yes, he really used that line) but, HEY it's my blog!

Things I am Thankful For, God:

    1. Continual stable and loving relationship with my husband.
    2. People that pray for me.
    3. My sister and mom who listen to me patiently. Dad listens, but not always patiently. (Today he was wonderful.)
    4. Blogging!
    5. Money to pay for food, utilities, housing and a car.
    6. A great church. (I am not ranking these in importance, just as they pop into my head.)
    7. A great bunch of teens to work with.
    8. A good profession.
    9. My dogs.
    10. God's presence everywhere.
    11. The Word and the perseverance to read it.
    12. Health (with the exception of my cold).
    13. Friends.
    14. The fact that no major tragedies have besieged my life in a while.
    15. Music.
    16. Prayer.
    17. Godly women.
    18. Laughter.
    19. A quiet house at the end of a stressful week.
    20. Jesus' sacrifice for me!!!

And that is one long blog and I am done!


At 5:40 AM, Blogger daisymarie said...

Bless your heart. No sympathy votes (aka pity party partnering) and no finger wagging...I hear you.

It would be lovely to dance the days away...but some days I feel like I'm wearing steal toe tap shoes (too much of an elephant to wear ballet slippers...sigh). They're heavy and it feels more like I'm slogging through knee deep mud with cinder blocks strapped to my feet--but slog on I do...and it sounds like so do you.

There's a promis that I cling tightly to...on sloggy days I force myself to remember that Paul understood slogging because God does and in those weak and heavy moments I am drawn to those words "my grace is's made perfect in weakness." Yes!!!

Then I hear Jesus and his marvelous invitation: Come, weary one. Come and take my yolk. Learn from me. Let me walk with you--slogging and all! For if you will take my yolk you will find that I share the load and your load will seem so much lighter!

As you slog on today I pray that you will sense one who loves you immensely coming alongside you offering to help you carry this very heavy load.



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