Lovin'

If I have my life all together (Not that I do, just an IF statement. Please continue reading.) but do not have LOVE I am worthless. If I have a nice car, a great job, dress the correct way, do things in the church the way I am expected to, do things for God and keep all the rules but never do any of this out of God's leading, then it is all a big ol' waste. This is what Jesus got so angry about with the religious leaders in his day. I was reading in Matthew and Mark about how he went off on them, then one of the leaders piped in and said, "Do you realize this is insulting to us?" Jesus said, "Yup, and let me make it more to the point."

We never think of Jesus going off on people and being mad. I mean, in theory we realize that he got mad at the church of his day when he went in and trashed the place. But we don't realize how out and out angry he got with the leaders. And why? Because they loaded people down with rules until they were oppressed. These men had the keys to the kingdom through knowledge but refused to go in for the sake of keeping rules and therefore blocked everyone else's way from going in, too. Jesus was so angry about this. I can't blame him. I mean, he knew what he had set out to do. He was God's Son in heaven, came to be just a man and he gets here and sees face-to-face that these people are barring the entrance to his dad. He was here to die a brutal death so more people could get to his dad.

What were the religious leaders lacking? LOVE. They had no compassion. They doled out the rules but wouldn't lift a finger to help someone when they became a slave or oppressed by the rules. They were accused of shining the bowls up really nicely on the outside when on the inside the food was rotten and maggoty. If we have it all together and go through the routine of church, always saying the right thing, always wearing the correct garment and singing the right song and praying the right way, but it does not flow first for a love of God and second a love of people, then it is worthless. If we keep everything down to the smallest detail but forget the big picture of love, joy and hope then we are as bad as the religious leaders of the day. Maybe even worse because we profess to be following Jesus and it is the thing he hated the most.

Last note, and I am done with this post. I was talking to my little brother in December. He had gone to a church where people had disapproved of a decision he and his wife had made that was totally their business only and not even something that would have been a sin; just their opinion. He liked the praise and worship and the preaching, so after a while they started going back there. I was sad that he didn't feel welcome, that there was a severe lack of love. If we have a church where there is not love, I think there is too much man and not enough God. I don't want to write five pages here on the situation to show you how love was absent, but it was. I think God's biggest heartbreak of this day and age is when his church doesn't show love to themselves and to the people who don't know God.

Gentle God

I am very excited! I was helping the youth pastor write a contract today to buy a home. (You can be praying that it works out.) We started talking about how when our eyes are on Jesus, he brings to light the issues in our lives he wants to work out. We don't have to go "devil-hunting". If we look for sins in our lives, we will find them everywhere. But when we just focus on God, he brings things to surface that if we were to realize on our own would seem impossible. If we see imperfections in through our own eyes, we are devastated, wondering how we will be able to overcome. We become a wreck, a mess. We wrestle. We waffle. We go back and forth, grappling with the sin that has taken hold.

But when it is God bringing it up in prayer time (for example) it is a gentle thing. God is so gentle with us. He would overpower us if we physically had a glimpse of him. So he is gentle. When sin is revealed through his eyes, it is shown first of all for the very ugly, oppressive and destructive thing that it is. Then, when we are thinking about how sick that was and how we want to be rid of it, we repent. When you get up from that prayer where it was God revealing something, you get up redeemed and free from the burden. You don't want to go back and hold the hand of the sin because you saw how destructive (and not fun) it was.

My hope is that many Christians can live life in this type of existence. I hope they don't obsess with external things or even things that the Spirit hasn't brought them to. I hope they are not held captive to wrestle with sin. I hope they are set free to walk in the fullness of God without being saddled with guilt or consuming sin.

Update on 5 minutes a day...

Here's another update. I am keeping with the five minutes a day three times a week commitment. That is amazing. I am actually going out of my way to make sure I get it in. I even prayed w/ 2 five minute sessions tonight. One was all about me and the next one right after was for the teens. I have to miss tomorrow night's youth group. My wonderful sister has a birthday and we are having a party for her! You know I have been praying a lot and I am expecting God to move so I am actually disappointed to be missing youth group. So the five minute commitment is keeping me spiritually alive and aware. I am just ready!

Tonight we had an exchange for ladies' prayer partners for the year. I am prayer partners with Amy Williams. I am very excited. Her son is one of the teens that I get to work with. He is a lot of fun, and from what I have seen from Amy, she is a lot of fun. I encouraged her to start a blog because she has a book published in her name! I did not even know that! How cool! I like exclamation points late at night!

After the little event I went out to Denny's with my friend, Sherry. Another lady went along that I don't know well. We had a nice time. Sherry's family is having a lot of big break-throughs right now. She has been praying and fasting quite a bit for her family, so it is nifty to really see God work in her life. She is centered and whole and ready to deal with the crap that is rising to the surface that has been dormant for so long. Praise God!

Life is beautiful. God is wonderful. He has captured my heart and I have no where else I want to be.

Mrs. Fix It

I sometimes get caught up in wanting to fix people. I worry about them, their issues and want to see them get all better. I think most Christians approach people this way. We care about the person in our own way and want to patch up all the shortcomings we see. We are excited about our joy and hope that God gives and want to give that to the person. Our own personal experiences have been ones where God has cleaned us up and made our lives infinitely better than they were. We were able to kick old habits to the curb, start to have respect for ourselves and others and there was a change in our attitude.

So when we run into people who have no hope in God, we start telling them all about how Christ will revolutionize their lives. You won't want to go out to the bars every night! You won't want to have promiscuous sex anymore! You can overcome your issues! We offer Jesus as a self-help concept to people who might not want help. Maybe they enjoy the sex, or the drugs or just being a jerk.

We want to minister to the sin. We don't want to minister to the soul. If we wanted to minister to the soul, we would plunge to the heart of the issue, bypassing the sin and begin to teach about Jesus crucified. Instead we promise to fix them when they really don't want to be fixed. And why should they? They act as the world does. They do not have the light that the Bible speaks of to drive out the darkness bondage and captivity in sin. That comes AFTER salvation.

Are You Kidding Me?

I started surfing blogs tonight. I kinda wish I hadn't really. I was sifting through a sampling of Christians blogs and I am now sick after reading some of them.

One Christian man was criticizing Christian songs on a blog called Missionary Joe. It was all about how a song written by Hillsong is perverse because it says that "Jesus stole my heart and I am in love with Jesus" or something to that effect. Some people on the post contended that Christians can know God's love but cannot really be in love with Jesus. WHAT?? That is ludicrous right there. Also, to think that songs like this could be taken sexually?? Just weird. I do understand the concept of having music preferences in praise and worship but this wasn't even an argument in that.

Then there were several debates on judging Christians, their motives and their ministries by what they were wearing. If you want to be sick, read the whole thing at Carmon's site. I mean seriously. One lady went as far to say that she feels that she should be able to tell if someone is a Christian by the way they dress. There was a large debate over earrings and tattoos and if rock and rollers or men with long hair could really have a deep relationship with God. I thought all the people that were this narrow minded were all dead by now or at least too old to know how to turn on a computer.

I did read several cool Christian blogs and I don't mean to go on about the ones that made me ill. I think people forget in their religious cocoons that Jesus was snubbed by the religious leaders of his day for hanging out and being too much like the riff-raff of that day.

I mean seriously!! By the way, if anyone who reads this would be someone who gets upset about outward appearances or would leave a church over song choices, you should know I am a female that does not own a dress, my hair is three different colors and my ears are pierced. My husband plays the bass guitar at church, I like having drums in music (the louder the better) and sometimes the youth group ends up in a mosh pit during songs about God. My belly button was pierced at one time, too. I still have a scar from it. If you have stomached that and are still reading, you should also know that I love God fiercely. I am IN LOVE WITH GOD. I know he has stolen my heart. There is no where else I could ever go. God is my love. My first love. My consuming love. I constantly yearn for more of God. And that could never be turned into a perverse thing. It is the farthest thing from sexual.

Many people had the sentiment that because Christians are set apart, we should look different and act different. I don't mean acting different so that Christ is evident in our attitudes and actions, but acting different as in superior (that was the attitude or inference). I wrote a post on Christians that walk two inches above the ground and how upset that makes me. It blows our ability for people to even feel like we are on the same planet, walking with the same issues and feelings. How would anyone ever come confide their shame in someone who acted as if they never had any? And if you have a Savior, you should have been convicted of shame somewhere along the line.

People do not want to fill a mold that is stamped out. (Especially me!) They want to be free. And true freedom comes in Christ. This is from the Message Bible, so it is probably discredited by a lot of people who wrote that garbage, but here is Scripture:

Eph. 1:7-8
"Because of the sacrifice of the Messiah, his blood poured out on the altar of the cross, we're a free people - free of penalties and punishments chalked up by all our misdeeds. And not just barely free either. Abundantly free!"
Eph. 3:19-20
"Live full lives, full in the fullness of God! God can do anything, you know - far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams!"
Eph 4:7
"But that doesn't mean you should all look and speak and act the same. Out of the generosity of Christ, each of us is given his own gift."

Does this sound like a God who wants everyone to look, act, talk and think the same?

I do not condemn women who feel that they should wear only dresses. I don't laugh at men who wear the outfit of the church everyday. (That would be kakhis, polo shirts and the hair parted on the side. Okay, maybe it is a bit funny.)

I cringe to think that people hold up a standard of outward expression that is supposed to equate to the inward heart. Shame on you! God expects us to have wild dreams. He is creative and expressive. He made us in his image. We are free. He gave us our personalities, our talents, our expressions each different than the next.

I am very upset that people think this way. People need the life-saving gift of God, but they don't need this garbage of changing who they are from the outside. Yuck!

The Timer

When I pray for my five minutes, I take a timer into the room with me. When I tell my husband I am going to go pray (so that he doesn't come looking for me), he jokes that I am going to go pray for my timer. I think if I had spent all this time praying for my timer these past weeks, it would have turned into a clock by now.

Just a Rebel at Heart

People sometimes inquire as to why I would enjoy working with teenagers as if I am a candidate for the mental institution based soley on that fact. I like teenagers because they are very giving and loving as long as you are not their parents. They need good people in their lives and are looking for direction and help whether they would ever admit it or not. They are fully capable of understanding situations and making decisions. Their personalities are their own.

Then I started to realize that on top of all of this, I identify with them very strongly. I like creativity and independence and the fact that they change from a child into some resemblance of what they will become. But I figured out much to my chagrin (it's the only word I can think of right now) that I identify with the rebellious attitude as well. I almost like it. Well, I did until I consciously realized that.

I was very rebellious. I found myself wondering a few weeks ago if there was such thing as innocent rebellion. I knew in my mind there wasn't but had no conviction about it. I remember in my earlier teen years doing things for fun that my parents wouldn't approve of like sneaking out of the house to go to the county fair on a school night. But that rebellion grew into a full blown ugly thing.

Today I began praying for the teens. I am specifically fasting for them today. During the prayer, I remembered a mental picture of a guy in the youth group who was sitting on a chair, arms crossed, completely ignoring his surroundings last Saturday during praise and worship time. This guy has been raised in church and in our youth group. He is now 18 and just pretends like it's okay. So that led me to another mental picture of how when people want to live life on their terms, they screw their eyes shut, stick fingers in their ears, purse their lips and hunch down. They are like a two or three year old that hides by shutting their eyes, figuring that since they can't see anyone, no one can see them.

God showed me that Rebellion destroys people. The Israelites wandered for 40 years because of rebellion. They only walked into the fullness of God's blessing when they would do ANYTHING for God. They would walk around a building seven times. They would punish people for what we might consider "small sins". They meant business with God. But until they were ready to do it God's way and depend on him even when they didn't understand or couldn't feel him, they would be lost.

Rebellion is not something to be proud of. It is not something that is a distinguishing mark for someone to figure out who they are. In fact, God makes us so unique that just by following his plan for us (obeying) we will end up with all the things we fight so hard for when we are in rebellion. We will get the purpose, the power, the life-changing awesomeness. We will break the mold, we will be set apart. We will have respect. We will have more freedom than we could dream of. Rebellion is oppressing.

We carry on our lives wanting to do things our way, wavering day by day or moment by moment to do things God's way or our way. We never make progress to move on in life and never get to experience the true freedom and blessings of a relationship with God. We build a block with obedience and then turn around and knock it over with our disobedience.

This is a long entry, but God was really working on my heart about rebellion. It is the destroyer of life, purpose, identity, godliness, peace, holiness, blessings, love and truth. It robs teens by convincing them that it is normal and acceptable and then proceeds to take away all the good things I just listed from their hands and the teens turn them over without a fuss because they think they can now do what they want.

I prayed this dumb rebellion right out of my heart today. I am no longer held entranced by it. I see it for what it is: a robber and a destroyer. It is not cool. It is not helping anyone.

Positive Promises

Isaiah 46:5 "Can you picture me without reducing me?" (God asking)
Isaiah 49:23 "No one who hopes in me ever regrets it." (God speaking)

And the most exciting one. I think this is really something that is a promise to the church.

Jeremiah 29:11-14

"I know what I am doing. I have it all planned out- plans to encourage you, not to abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.

When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen.

When you come looking for me, you'll find me.

Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed. GOD'S Decree"

Moldy Mounds

Isaiah 45:18-20
I am God. I work out in the open, saying what's right, setting things right.

Only when sin remains hidden can it thrive. Like a first grade Science Project, where does mold consume a healthy piece of bread the fastest? Keep it hidden, warm and away from light and within a few weeks, what was nourishment is now unrecognizable except as something that belongs in the trash and the surface it was sitting on needing a good soak in bleach.

God works out in the open. He isn't ashamed. He isn't embarrassed. He can take the lump of mold that was once a piece of bread and restore it back to something edible. He can even improve it- stick it in the toaster and smear some jam on it.

What conditions does evil need to be cultivated? What or where am I hiding my good bread allowing sin to manifest and grow?

A Day in the Life of...

I was asked to write about a regular day. What is it like to live life as a Christian?

So, here it is: It's life.

I woke up this morning with a really bad headache. I took a shower, put on makeup, got dressed, blow-dried my hair and talked to my sister. Someone got mad at me. I wrote a contract for a client and delivered it to the appropriate people. I talked to a girl at the office, saw people I knew and went grocery shopping. I drove my car, thought it was in bad need of a wash. I petted my dogs. I wrote stuff down. I checked email and talked on my cell phone. I took care of bills. I had an egg for breakfast and pizza for lunch.

Okay, so my day was a bit busy. I am currently making dinner, getting ready to go to church.

I get frustrated. I get happy. I might be sleepy. I might be hyper. But I always have hope. I know that the little things in my life are all part of a bigger plan that is leading somewhere. God works all things for good. When I am disappointed, I know there is Someone who never disappoints. When I am happy, I know I am getting blessings. I never worry about how I am going to make it in life. I never ask what is the point of everything. I have a bedrock, solid assurance that this is all leading to something. I never look at something just for the now or the moment. My whole mindset is different. My values are so weird according to some people. I will pass on money or approval of people just to wait on God.

I also cannot live life without daily revelations that explain more to me about who created me. There is always something new and usually very exciting going on. I do not live feeling guilty if I do something wrong. I do not have a religion of guilt. I have a God of freedom. It is the most amazing thing, and I guess I am in perpetual amazement at what is going on around me.

So a day in the life of Amber is probably quite a bit like everyone else's. The difference is my purpose and what I find my identity in.

Hate to break it to you-I'm not perfect.

I Corinthians 10:23 Everything is permissible-but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible-but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others.

Let's get a clear picture of what we are being told here. I am going to define the 2 words beneficial and constructive.

beneficial- advantageous, favorable, contributing to improvement, receive profit, advantage
constructive- leading to improvement, built, build value, make better, make more valuable, a change that adds value, to become better.
opposite of constructive- to wreck, to ruin, to tear down, demolish, do away with, kill

So when deciding on whether or not to do something, considering the effects on others helps us to discern because we can see where it might not matter to ourselves, but it could wreck or tear down someone else. We want to build value in others. With the lost, we want to help them make a change that adds value to their lives and be a witness to them.

Jeremy works at a store that services mechanics. Mechanics are crass and cuss a whole lot. (Generally speaking. If you are a mechanic and this does not describe you, I am sorry.) Jeremy works in this atmosphere. He is dependable, hard-working and helpful, both at work and after-hours to co-workers and customers. They know he is a strong Christian and yet he cusses at work sometimes. People at his work, whether co-workers or customers, will talk to Jeremy freely about their beliefs about God and their lives. I am amazed at what people are willing to share.

Jeremy works with another Christian. That man never cusses. But his co-workers view him as lazy, undependable and not completely forthcoming in what he says. He will call in to work sick and then they find out from someone else in town that he isn't sick, he is just doing something else. He cuts corners at work and shirks responsibility. He will stand around when other people need help. This man walks and acts right in every other aspect when he is at work yet he sours people on Christianity. I think people feel that he acts righteous in theory but doesn't carry that out consistently.

The two witnesses are different. Neither are perfect. It strikes me as strange that in most likelihood, most church-going people would have more offense at cussing than laziness. (For clarification, my husband does not cuss in church. He rarely cusses at home.) In the world, the lost do not feel that cussing is hypocritical, but resent the laziness.

I am not saying that cussing is good or beneficial to others. However, just being who you are as a Christian with people, faults and all, is important. You are just a person that has a relationship with God. That is salt and light.

This prompted me to ask some questions of myself. Do people perceive that I walk around thinking or acting as if I have no faults when I have glaring faults in their eyes that would bar me from being a witness? Do I seem "real" and sincere or do I come off like I ascribe to rules but ignore common courtesy? Can people relate to me- see my humanness but also godly character or just hollow God talk and abstinence from sullying myself, as if I were walking a few inches above everything else? What is beneficial or constructive to a non-Christian? What do we do that wrecks, ruins, kills or tears them down?

I am human. I messed up today. I had to repent today about how I treated someone. Luckily, they are a Christian but even though I might have felt the person was deserving of the treatment, I was tearing them down. I do not think that we should use our faults as a crutch and justify them saying, "Well, people can relate to me because I do this." I am just saying that being humble and transparent with non-Christians is important because like the cheesy bumper sticker says, "Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven."

Can you see but not know?

Mark 2:7

The teachers and leaders said, "Who can forgive sins but God alone?"

Funny that they should ask that question and not have the revelation that Christ was God. They were concerned with the packaging. Christ didn't look or act like their expected Messiah. When they saw the miracles and heard, "Son, your sins are forgiven," they were scandalized instead of being stirred to faith. They had no revelation.

Weird that in their minds their lives were lived for God. They devoted hours to studying the Scriptures, doing the right religious things but totally and completely missed God in the Flesh right under their noses. They didn't even recognize him or stop to think that it could be the Messiah they wanted. There was not a single flag raised in their minds when they asked, "Who can forgive sins but God alone?" It didn't startle them into belief or cause them to say, "Oh!" in sudden belief that what they were saying was the truth. Who can forgive sins but God alone? No one. That is God forgiving sins.

If that revelation would have come to the religious leaders, there would have been a stampede to Jesus, a clamor of excitement to fall at his feet and worship him. How fulfilled would those men have been to realize their life devoted studies had manifest in flesh right in front of them? All their deep theological questions could have been answered because the Creator of the Universe was standing right in front of them.

But the only thing their vision could see was a blasphemer where God was standing.

In my seeking out God's face, where does my religion hold me captive and turn blind to God when he is right in front of me? Have I ever had God standing before me and I mistook him for the opposite thing? Did I confuse God with sin or darkness?

Lord, allow me to have soft heart towards you. Please don't ever allow me to not be able to recognize you in my life or think I have You figured out that when you show up in some unexpected way that I would look at you and say, "That's not God." Help me to know it is you at work around me.

I yearn to see God move, to be delivered. I wonder if they did too? Or did they just want to wear the robes and sit in a place of honor so badly that it was preferred over seeing God in the flesh if it meant they would no longer have a place of honor in the religious world and system.

People worship the system, the religion instead of the God that was in it. So adjusted to the rules and rote that nothing else can move them. When God moves, they would prefer staying comfortable instead of seeking.

More on fasting, focus and souls

I belong to God. He called me by name to be His. I am nothing outside of Him. I can have my own life apart from God, but I know it is an ugly, broken life and the eternity is one of damnation. God never created people to be seperated from him, it is nothing but a wasted soul. God's people need to be on the look out for wasted souls. We need to be sensitive to the absolute dispair and futility of a wasted soul. I believe the revival time is one of reaping wasted souls into glorious transformation. The ground is ready and God is preparing his workers.

We had church tonight. During praise and worship I kept coming back to a problem in my head. I finally said, "This is just like hunger gnawing when I am fasting. I put this aside to focus on God and break through. This is God's time."

Fasting has taught me a lot about being able to set aside mindsets, thoughts, physical needs, emotional needs, etc. to seek God more. I did not know it would be such an eye-opening thing in different areas. I am now seeking God to show me another place in my life to fast- to give a sacrifice to God in order to see more of him. I think that he is showing me to spend time every day walking. It is a physical sacrifice as well as a time sacrifice. I think the benefit is two-fold. My body is God's temple even though I often fail to treat it like one. This is my way of taking care of what God has entrusted to me. The second benefit is that I believe that God wants to use the half-hour (that was the time committment) to speak to me more. I can set aside this time to talk with my Lord. I am not using this as a way to lose weight or tone my muscle or anything. It is really not my focus. I just want to make sure that I treat my body with respect.

Pastor RL has been talking so much about how our bodies are what we have in eternity and I don't know which version God uses. I am the opposite of computer programs which get upgraded with new versions and get better with time. With time, my body seems to be able to perform in a less stellar manner than before. I can't change that or reverse that, but I can respect my body and do something to show that respect for God's gift.

I Know the Plans I Have For You

Well, honesty is the best policy, right? Okay. Then here I go! The song set for this morning's praise and worship time was not my favorite. Just goes to show that God doesn't need what I think is good to work. I was speaking the words to the songs and letting them work on my spirit and giving them as a sacrifice to God, but they just aren't my favorites. I am so well adjusted to church I even know how many songs we sing, so after the third, I was hoping the last one was one that would match my personal taste and could really get lost in. It was a hymnal. Strike three for me! "How Great Thou Art" I sang the song and just really meditated on "Then Sings My Soul" and let my spirit just sing to God since I wasn't all into it.

Man did God move! All over the church and in me. Just thinking about all that God has been doing in my life and in the lives of the ladies in the church is just enough for me to really gaze upon God in wonder. He is great. I cannot even begin to imagine what will happen when I am taken up in glory and see Christ. To live this life well is worth something. I know there are times in my life I will be ashamed of. But I know that when I get to look back at the past several years in my life, I will be PROUD in Christ that He gets the glory for my life because he gave me the strength and grace to continue to persevere under loss of loved ones, tragedy and ugly sin robbing us.

For the teens that have persevered through these times, they are so strong. The winds have blown, the waters have risen and some houses have fallen. But the houses that are standing are even stronger than they were. He is fortifying them and reinforcing them. We had another salvation in the youth group last night. It is a new crowd, a bunch of baby Christians who really have no concept of life in Christ yet, but they are coming. They are faithful. They usually talk when they shouldn't. They look around nervously during praise and worship. They don't quite comprehend most things, but they are hungry. And I am excited because as long as they keep coming and have life poured into them, they are going to start growing. A year from now, the face of the youth group will be one of strength and revolution. The teens that persevered from the last season to this new one will have double blessing for not only following God through the hard times, but also leading the new ones in the next level of growth. How exciting for them!

God is keeping me focused on what HE is doing in the world. When I stop looking to Him and consider the state of the world, the state of the community, the state of my family I can despair. But when I look to God and realize that he breathes life into any situation, I am overjoyed and excited. I cannot help but to just get giddy and rejoice and expand in what he is doing. I want to shout. I want to sing. I want to dance. I want to physically taste the presence of God. I want God. I want God. He is so exciting. He is so alive. I truly feel that it is in Christ that I am who I really am AND that I find what I am really living for.

Some people think God is boring. What a lie! It is only in God that we can really be what we are supposed to be. Any other way of living we are oppressed, shut down, stomped on. God breathes life. God creates. He is freedom. He is alive and exciting and growth and living and life. If you are reading this and think to have a relationship with God is no fun, let me tell you that you are missing ALL of the fun. You are missing new adventures and the ride of your life. Six Flags has nothing on God.

If you are reading this and you have a relationship with God and it isn't exciting, you are missing the growth God has for you. There are three basic elements to catch an excitement in Him.
1. Pray constantly. (Just try 3 times a day for 5 minutes each!)
2. Read your Bible Daily. Try Romans or Psalms. I like those two for basic truth.
3. Work with God. Be open to learning something new about him. Have a teachable heart.

Boot Camp

A group of women committed ourselves to fasting all day yesterday and then getting together this morning at 11 to finish in prayer together and then eat.

God blessed me financially yesterday. I have been waiting awhile for financial relief. People that know nothing about me are seeing something different about me. Praying is becoming more focused and more of a joy. I am still waiting for change in my dad's family, but I know a revolution is coming.

I am looking for God. I took time to pray, to say to God that I wanted Him more than I wanted to please my tired, hungry flesh. I think I was edgy yesterday but I want God more than I want to please my flesh so I can please people.

Ever since I started to pray more and especially fast, I have not been sleeping well. God is speaking to me. My spirit is so alive my body can't keep up. Neither can my brain. It took me about five minutes just to comb my hair today because I was so worn.

BUT GOD! Our prayer time today (with the ladies) was absolutely great. We prayed that the men in our church would be lifted up. We sense that God started moving in the women and getting us ready and the men are going to be raised up and go. We prayed for one woman in particular who is having to be the pioneer and spiritual warrior in her family. Our biggest prayer was for the church we go to. We want angels standing with swords at the doors tomorrow morning, checking all the baggage that doesn't belong inside the church so there wouldn't even be a dust speck of ungodliness tomorrow. We want God to be able to move wholly and fully without boundaries; all access to all hearts and families. We are in tune with where God is going and are looking in the right direction. I hope my flesh dies completely, that I wouldn't need food or sleep to sustain me. I know that isn't until the next life, but it is really exciting, no matter how tiring it is to be where God is.

I guess this might be boot camp. In boot camp, people are pushed really hard. It is constant training, not enough sleep, lots of exercise and not being able to do exactly what you want when you want. We are becoming soldiers and leaders. We will be alert and conditioned to be strong in God.

The church is going to see a growth and an outpouring. I feel sad for anyone who is going to miss tomorrow. We are on fire and it is going to spread to those who aren't looking the right way. It is so easy to have our eyes fall down to focus on ourselves, but this fighting in prayer through the fasting and tiredness has made it so that I can't give into my thoughts or feelings about myself. I can only look to God to see where He is at to keep going.

The Game

Here's a story: The Game

S.O.S.

So when a church prays and fasts together is it like firing off an emergency flare to heaven? I wonder what the rescue operation will look like.

Pride Parade- Which Float Will Win?

I didn't realize I could ramble so much if given the opportunity. I feel bad for anyone trying to keep up with all of this writing. I suppose if you are a glutton for punishment or your children were behaving badly, this could come in handy.

I feel almost guilty about what I am going to write. It is about my issue with having a big head. Sometimes I have to turn sideways to get through the door. (As my head is oval shaped and not round.) The guilt comes in because I almost feel like I am boasting about my pride. So weird.

So my problem with pride is I commend myself when God blesses me. When God gives me the grace to change my character to the point that people notice that there is something different about me, I might as well say, "God, thank you for blessing me because I did something so great." God knows my biggest weakness is that I like to feel good about myself. He keeps me on a short leash. My initial reaction to compliments is to get big-headed and feel like I really have done something spectacular. Disclaimer: I am not saying God likes me to have self-loathing. He likes my joy and my confidence to come from Him.

And I had just been praying about this. In order to really let God do something through me I had better quit being so impressed with my abilities. I know this. God knows this. You probably even know this.

And today. Oh, today! Someone called into the office I work at. They needed information. I had never talked to this person before. So I chatted with him, gave him the info he wanted and started asking some preliminary questions. I used the word "behoove". Apparently that is just a cool word and so this guy just started going off on how he liked to talk to me, he liked the way I handled stuff. I didn't get business. It was one of those, "I'll call back if I decide that's the house I want." (I work in real estate.) But how often do strangers just stop to comment on liking your vocabulary and personality?

And then later today! Later today! My co-worker asked how I was doing. I said something silly like "Fantabulous." (A mix of Fantastic and Fabulous.) He just started going off on how he loved my attitude all the time and he just thought I was great and (embarrassingly enough) that 90% of women could learn some great things from me. This man is very happily married and knows that I am VERY happily married. He was just complementing me. I said, "Thanks."

I can go days, weeks and months without getting a compliment from anyone but my sister or husband. I am glad I have those two to keep me afloat. But to have two such flattering compliments in one morning for no reason other than the people wanted to compliment me. (I almost asked my co-worker what he wanted but thought better of it.)

Then after that! After that! The youth pastor calls me and tells me he read the blog I sent him here to read along with part of another one. He told me it really encouraged him and he read it to the head pastor and he was going to share some of it in church on Sunday.

You have got to be kidding me!! All these things made me feel extraordinarily good. Then I started to think, "Well, you are good. It's all you." Me. Me. Me. Me. Me.

STOP

I was driving back from Sedona and as wonderful as I am, I realized that maybe, just maybe the pride I was praying against was trying to take control again. So I began to pray. It is no wonder Paul said to keep your eyes FIXED on Christ. Glancing up every minute isn't even enough. My eyes are constantly being pulled by natural gravity back to myself. How easy is it to lose our focus? What if all the previous posts of revelation, promises, fasting and praying were forgotten in five minutes of flattery never to be returned to again because I was feeling self-sufficient?

I may look ugly when I remove my pride and look at myself honestly, but I look uglier when I am wearing the pride.

Popcorn & Friendship

I think God is popping popcorn. It takes 3 minutes and 3o seconds for a bag of microwave popcorn to pop in my microwave. Almost all of the popcorn pops in the last 30 seconds. I think God has been expanding my bag and heating me up and I am now popping all over the place. I cannot seem to stop with the ideas and thoughts God is pouring into me. They are coming all at once and I can hardly sleep because of it.

In my life I have never made friends easily. I can talk to anybody. Sometimes it stops there. The reason I don't make friends easily isn't because I am socially inept, ugly, mean or smelly. There is only one reason I do not have more friends: God. (Well, maybe I am some of those things but I am going with that it's because of God.) What, God not wanting me to have friends? That's right.

Growing up I usually only had one friend to count on if that. Sometimes I had none. Now let me say that as I get older, I have different catagories of friends. I have my personal circle of my husband, my mom and my sister, my dad and Pastor Juan and Evie that mentor me. I have my two best girlfriends that I can be all silly all the time with. Then I have friends I occasionally might have lunch or dinner with or even just a cup of coffee. I have loads of acquaintances and of course the youth I work with that I am up-close and personal with.

But really, socially speaking, after 28 rotations around the sun, I have 2 girlfriends that the world would look at and say, "Those are her two friends."

Many, many times when I meet people I immediately distrust them and I don't feel easy. I do not think I am jaded or on the defensive when I meet people. I just do not feel comfortable being around a vast majority of people past "Hello" and "How are you doing?"

Then there is the other population that has bugged me for a very long time. The people I think would make a great friend but seem to avoid me. It will bug me. It will grate on me. I will wonder why people are stuck up or unfriendly or why I have to be so dorky.

And God revealed to me that when my discerning stops sometimes they still are not good people for me to be friends with. Love them by all means. But sometimes they are infected with a sin that I might be highly contagious to or hurt by.

Case in point, there was a man who everyone seemed to get along with swimmingly. I didn't. He would often avoid me, not look up while we would pass in the aisle, and give me a pasty smile if he accidentally glanced in my general direction. If that happened, he would accompany the pasty smile with a stiff, "Hi." He was so friendly to so many people. He dressed nicely, had a nice home and car. And he didn't like me. I knew it. And I would ask myself what was wrong with me. Why do I have to be goofy? Is it my clothes? Something I say? The fact that my walk resembles the walk of a duck? What?

And God showed me it isn't what is wrong with me, it is what is right with me. Now, I don't mean that I am so wonderful and my poop doesn't stink or that I am above 99% of the population. But God has set me aside for a very long time. And I am finally embracing that and realizing that it is a good thing. When the majority of the world and my peers go sideways, God wants me to continue straight. He only allows people to get close to me in my life that will build me up. The few times in my life where I have pushed the situation and insisted that I be friends with someone, I would approach that person as a puzzle and I wanted to see where all the pieces fit. When I finally would get the whole picture put together, it was ugly. They weren't ugly, just my relationship with them.

I have been scarred by people I got close to intentionally by pushing my way through the natural resistance. This does not let mean people, introverts or pessimists off the line from working on their attitudes to be able to gain more relationships in life. Don't miss out.

Update on 5 minutes a day...

This whole project of writing was prompted by an idea to journal what God could do with praying three times a day for five minutes each time. It is astounding to me, I already have changes to report! There is transformation of the spirit into a new and glorious thing personally and corporately in the church. My spiritual walk is hyper-sensitive right now. I think it is partly because of the corporate blessing, not just me walking on my own and having the blessing from what one person is doing but rather the blessing for what a hundred people are doing. I cannot yet put words or a face, figure or number on this transformation but it is there.

The five minutes grows each time I pray. I now turn off the beeper (I set a timer so I don't keep looking at a clock while I am trying to pray) and continue to pray once the five minutes are over. God is revealing a whole lot of stuff. He is talking to me, ministering to me over a lot of things in the church and revealing more and more things to be in prayer for. He is having me pray for things I stopped praying about a long time ago. I knew the work wasn't done when I stopped, I just got tired of praying about it.

I used to pray once a day. The deal with praying 3 times a day is that I am much more inclined to continue praying in between. The five minute goal is easy to tackle and easy to exceed.

---

I was invited to fast with a group of women that I go to Growth Group with. (The Bible study thing where I heard about Achan.) They are fasting on Friday (all day) and then getting together on Saturday at 11 (in the morning) for prayer and a potluck lunch where will eat for the first time since starting the fast. I didn't commit to join at first and waited for God to kind of reveal if it was the right thing to do. It is.

I am fasting for my uncle. I asked the woman that invited me to the fast what they were praying for. She said the families in the church, for healing and for the men in the church. My uncle does not go to church. I am not even sure when the last time he stepped foot into a church that preached Jesus would have been. But my uncle for some reason represents broken men in my life. I had a very exciting prayer time tonight with God about my uncle and I just feel that his time for restoration is now. I will be the vessel that God works through for my uncle. It is going to be a God-thing and it is going to blow the socks off my whole family when my uncle gets restored. I think it is going to be a revolution within the Brown clan. I'll be sure to report on how that plays out. I wrote out my prayer about my uncle tonight but I am not going to post it until he is restored.

---

Oh, and for the record, I am not writing about fasting here to broadcast my "spirituality" but just as a point in the journal because I am sure God is going to do something through it. In fact, I find fasting to be rather yucky. (I like it like having to take icky medicine when I am sick.)

Attention Pastor Juan!

I don't want you to get lost in the shuffle here. What I thought was funny in a coincidencal kind of way was what you will read under "Standing on Giants". You have my permission to read everything here if you would like, but I thought you might want some direction about what I sent you here to read.

Dirt will do nicely!

Tonight I was reading my Word and it flopped open to Ezekiel 37 in which Ezekiel had a vision of a valley full of bones. God told him to prophesy to the bones, "Dry bones, hear the word of the Lord! This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you and you will come to life." (Ezekiel 37:4)

Then the bones were put together; skin and hair were slapped on and they looked like people but they were not alive. Then God told Ezekiel to prophesy again and (vs. 10) "breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet - a vast army."

God takes an impossible situation, the most desperate dead situation and makes life from it.

I had been thinking around New Year's how far I had come in the last 10 years. I had just turned 18 in 1995. I was trying to follow the procession of my life from who I was then to who God has transformed me into and they do not fit. I do not understand how God takes dirt and changes it into a person by adding breath. I have no idea how he took who I was (very dirty), breathes on it and changes it into something completely different. My transformation is an actual miracle and I do not mean that in a shallow way. There is no logic, no progression of events that ever showed what was happening. God just "did it".

Breathe into these that were slain- that they may live! (vs 9)

In the same way I am reminded that when we look at a whole landscape filled with dead people, they aren't dead to God. They are raw material for him. He doesn't need but a speck of dirt to create life. He doesn't even need a willing speck of dirt.

I think of people I have written off or discounted as dead and beyond help in my life. I don't think there is anything that can ever melt their hard hearts or change their "liberated" minds. I know God can do anything, but I figure that is just too much. This story is about them. It is about my dad's family; his brothers, mother, sister in law, nieces and nephews. It is about people who look dead or maybe even look like people but don't have the breath of God and are not alive. It is a story about people who have been slain in the world and it is hope and it is power. It is God able to move with material that looks unusable to me.

One of the really cool things about this story of the valley of bones to me is that when God's breath fell upon these people WHO WERE DEAD, not only did they come alive, but they were a vast army. In some churches, the whole landscape is filled with dead people, but when God breathes on them, they become alive. They become a vast army for God. We are his warriors. Imagine what a church full of alive people could conquer. I will let you know....

Standing on Giants

We are like dwarfs on the shoulders of giants, so that we can see more than they. —Bernard of Chartres, 12th century

This quote (or a version thereof) is often ascribed to Sir Issac Newton and used as a banner phrase for scientists doing gene research. Bernard of Chartres is recorded as using this some 500 years earlier. He was a philosopher in the church who started a university way back when. When he used this quote, he was speaking spiritually.

We have an inheritance spiritually from parents, pastors and leaders. We can have their insight and wisdom without having earned a drop of it, but merely by hearing their insights. We are spiritually blessed beyond our experiences because of what people pour into us.

Sometimes the sight of someone we mentor will outreach where we were able to see because they are standing on our legacy and they have grown exponentially beyond that and can have new revelations in God.

Brain Tease

My brain and I have been fighting. It isn’t a pretty war, as I am quite used to my brain.

Proverbs 25:2 from the Message “God delights in concealing things; scientists delight in discovering things.”

Now, that verse to me is not really the most astute or impressive Proverb I have ever read. Last night, I read a whole bunch of them, and today, that is the one that brought revelation. As I was walking down the hallway to the bathroom (as revelations often happen in unexpected places), I realized that I act too much like a scientist. (Don’t laugh!)

I was raised by the most intelligent man that I have known. I might have possibly made a sandwich for a more intelligent person when at Subway when I was a teenager, but I am not aware of such an event taking place. So, my dad is the height of intelligence in my life. (Now, my dad is probably wincing about that.)

Fathers raise their children to be like them whether they intend to or not. My dad is no exception. He raised me to be intelligent. I may have missed the mark in many ways, but my brain patterns are set in very distinctive ways. I analyze quite a bit. I look for logic in ideas and situations. I reason things out.

My dad was known to occasionally ask any of his kids at the dinner table to defend a statement, as harmless as it might appear, that they would make. He would even have us search for the logic behind jokes. Good grades were commended, and I grew up with either or both parents going to seminary or college. Learning was highly prized and I am happy for that.

When I am talking with my dad I can Amber-paraphrase a verse which really doesn’t resemble the original verse very well at all and he will be able to quote the verse perfectly; book, chapter and verse. I admire my dad very much. He uses enormous words in his vocabulary which aren't even in the dictionary. He doesn't make them up, he just uses ones that are obscure or specific to certain generes of education. I get grief from the teens I teach for using big words all the time. They think it's funny. My dad has been talking to me as if I had a college degree from the time I was four. My brain has been exercised and stretched and valued.

My brain tries to rationalize. I am constantly trying to look behind the curtain to see who is pulling the levers. I know if I do XYZ I will get ABC. If I push this button, this will happen. I am constantly looking for reason in circumstances. I look for cause an effect.

My battle with my brain has taken place in prayer. It is an earnest prayer that I want my brain to take a back seat to the Spirit. I would rather know things through God’s Spirit than to piece something together with my physical mind. When I am moved by God, my brain takes off at a sprint, as if trying to pull me away by figuring out what is going on. When God does something unexpectedly that doesn’t make sense, I am all a fret trying to figure out what just happened. I want to get God down to a formula of cause and effect. I want to be able to push this button and have the same result every time. God is the God of the unexpected. He doesn’t fit into a box, doesn’t live by physics and definitely isn’t restrained by Amber-logic. (Which isn’t even close to any real logic.)

If only my life could emulate 1 Corinthians 1&2! I want to be consumed by God. I want to inhale God. I want to have the mind of Christ, not the carnal mind figuring stuff out for me. I want the Spirit to reveal and illuminate my life. I want my boasting to be in God, not in my ability to figure something out. I would rather be a fool that God could use than someone intelligent in this world that God can’t do a thing with because they are too self-assured they have things down right or are too busy trying to sort it all out. I want to rely on the Spirit to understand what God has given me.

P.S. Dad, this doesn’t mean that I don’t think the brain is useful in my Christian life. ;o)

Heartbeat of Holy

On Tuesday nights I go to Growth Group. I had to miss American Idol, to which I am quite addicted since the 1st season. The ratings group would probably be disappointed, but I am glad I went. It is my first glimpse of how hungry God's people are at my church. It is usually a small group of about 30-40 people getting together and praise and worship isn't too dynamic. But tonight, they had selected songs about the walls coming down and God's people being victorious. I didn't know any of them. But it was inspiring. We want to see victory. The last song I did know, We bow down and we lay our crowns at the feet of Jesus. We cry Holy! Holy! Holy! We cry Holy! Holy! Holy! We cry Holy! Holy! Holy is the Lamb. God's Spirit came tonight and was evident starting right then.

Once our pastor spoke of a vision of heaven. The drummer gave a beat. BOOM BOOM.....BOOM BOOM....BOOM BOOM....and the pastor said that beat resounds in the throne room where angels say HOLY....HOLY....HOLY....it sounded like it was set to a heartbeat. Try to hear a heartbeat. Set Holy over the top of it. It will resound. We are born with a heart attuned to the throne room of God.

So when we get off track in life and allow sin to invade and we live with it instead of kicking it out, we forget HOLY. But when sin is finally dealt with and God's people are left quaking with shame and hurt, we begin to remember HOLY. And all of the sudden HOLY becomes the measuring stick. Holy is the standard we are to live by no matter how out of reach. And it is out of reach for a reason. It is because we cannot do it ourselves and we have to allow God to transform us and put his mark of HOLY on our hearts. It should be his fingerprints on our hearts, not our fingerprints or the pastor's fingerprints. God put his fingerprint on everyone's heart tonight with the sound of HOLY.

We need to have corporate unity, focus and obedience. When Joshua entered into the promised land, Jericho fell. God's command was that all the spoils not used for the temple should be burned. It was a sacrifice for him. Everyone in Israel knew this. They were by this time obedient to the Lord, as they had just walked around a wall for seven days to have a victory. (I cannot imagine doing something like that because God asked and not feeling very silly.)

Achan took something from Jericho and hid it. A thief ruined the corporate body of God. One person out of three million was enough to steal God's blessing. Israel was defeated in the next battle. Joshua fell on his face and said, "Why God?" The whole of Israel was called to consecrate themselves and give an account. Because of the sin of one, everyone was forced to look at themselves.

Once the person, Achan, was revealed to Joshua by the Lord and was dealt with, Israel was able to have victory once again.

Where are the Achans in our life? In our church? In our families? Do you hide them and allow them to go unaccounted for? Consecrate yourself and allow God to show the Achan in your life. This was the lesson for our church tonight. Don't tolerate Achan.

The Desperate Virgin

I have recently been asked to commit in a much deeper way to my service at the church. My initial reaction was stomach flip-flops and iron butterflies. The woman even pointed out I had paled several shades. I drove home in a stupor and made supper, pondering the proposal. I began to have a conversation with God in which I was doing all the talking. I was really stunned that my husband and I were asked to do more in leadership. We don't even like church on the whole, and had decided we were done with church before God brought us back to this one about three years ago.

After my first reaction, I began to really pray. My husband and I prayed together, separately and fasted. The more I was in the presence of God concerning our "promotion", the more excited I became. In the flesh, I am not ready and I am scared out of my mind. In the Spirit, I am excited for the possibilities of what God has in store.

When my father asked me how I felt about it, I told him I am the Lord's hand-maiden. I think the attitude of Mary kind of summed it up. I am terrified but if this is God, then I am all about it! But last night as I was going to bed, I thought to myself, "Who am I?"

Who am I that I would even compare myself or situation to that of Mary's? I am not Catholic, but you must give the woman credit. She counted the cost for the immediate situation of becoming pregnant in exactly the worst time for an unwed woman to become pregnant. She was in a culture that looked down severely upon unwed mothers. She said, "I am the Lord's handmaiden" and she could have been stoned to death. I do not mean she could have smoked pot until she died, I mean that the men in town would have thrown rocks at her until her beaten body no longer could sustain life. (I am sure you know that!) I am sure Mary was in seclusion for the better part of her pregnancy. The only record we have of anyone being happy to see her pregnant was Elizabeth, her aunt. And her aunt was excited because Jesus' cousin, John the Baptist (the guy that would later baptize Jesus) was also in the womb and he jumped and jumped and Elizabeth knew that someone special had caused this excitement in her.

Then there is riding on a donkey 8 months and 3 weeks pregnant. The census called only for the household male to go. I understand that being pregnant makes one uncomfortable, even on a Lazy Boy or Postripedic bed, I am sure the donkey ride was painful to say the least. So why go through that pain? Was it more bearable than the pain of scorn of having a child in her small hometown without her husband present who isn't the father?

Mary probably counted these costs. I wonder if she could have foresaw the cost of having to leave her country to go to Egypt until the authorities in Jerusalem had died. For her child, she was in exile from the moment she became pregnant. I am sure there were blessings everyday for being the mother of Jesus. But then there is also the pain.

I have known mother's who have lost children at an age earlier than they would have liked. It rips them apart and they are no longer the woman they were when their child was living. And Mary's child was killed in the most violent, bloody, humiliating way possible. He didn't die for any reason that was his fault, he never in his life had done a single thing wrong. And yet her son from birth was killed magnificently and thoroughly before her eyes. The pain and cost of Mary's life was not something anyone would dare live up to. I can't imagine it was enjoyable for her. I am sure it was as painful for her as anyone who would have to live under such circumstances from her son's birth to his death and then live beyond that. (Although her son did rise from the dead, a definite blessing!)

And the point of all of this is to say that anyone who submits to God's will wholly and completely will never know the cost until they have lived through it. And yet, looking forward to the other side, even the resemblance of Mary's face on a piece of toast will fetch over $10,000. A whole denomination worships her and reveres her almost as much as Christ. And in Paradise, she will have a relationship with Jesus unlike any other. There are numerous prophets, teachers, priests, pastors, apostles, disciples and servants to God. And yet there was only one mother of God, for Jesus was God. She will hold a special position in heaven I think. What beautiful glory but what a painful life in the flesh.

Hyper

Hyper- over, above, excessive

Have you ever felt hyper? Have you been a bit excessive in your behavior?

Have you gone over the top or overboard in your reaction?

In Cottonwood, Arizona, that word was picked for the youth group at a church. It is defined in another way as well. Holy Young People Eternally Radical 4 God. They are hyper. They are teens. They get excited. They are teens. They act crazy. They are teens. But all their energy is directed towards God. I work with this youth group at a church in Cottonwood, AZ called Emmanuel Fellowship. I am privileged.

Right now our church is in a period of fasting and praying that the pastor felt called to do. I had also felt the call just several weeks earlier. But the call came from the top to all the workers in the church. So now we are praying and fasting for God's kingdom to be on this area, the Verde Valley. I guess I am going to use this blog to share what God shows me and use it as a log to follow what changes happen. The pastor feels that in 4 months, we will have evidence of a revolution.

The teens had a very rough year in 2004, starting with one of our leadership teens dying in a hiking accident on Dec 18, 2003. It tore the heart out of everyone and the year's events were always seen through that. It ended with 2 teens and a pastors family from 2 different churches locally being killed in a car accident on Dec 31, 2004. It has been a hard year emotionally. Several teens were also hit at home with family situations that I cannot even begin to imagine. Many of the teens left the church. We started the year with over 100 teens coming regularly. We now average about 25 to 35 a week. In the youth group, we see a need for change. We are desperate for God.

We started fasting a praying on Tuesday, January 11th. On Thursday, a church member was arrested for molesting a minor that went to our church. God is cleaning house. He brings issues to light so that he can heal and bring change. The pastor announced on Sunday morning that this happened. He said our prayers are with the family of the perpetrator, the victim and the family of God. There was much weeping in the church and the pastor took several moments to collect himself to continue with the service.

We have been asked to pray at least 3 times a day for 5 minutes. Let's see what God does with 15 minutes a day.